So I am facing the sad reality that although I thought it was past, I am still in fact transitioning into my new life. I have come to realize that different steps of this transition will come in waves, just like the rest of life. Just as one part feels settled, another will unsettle itself. Maybe this is what life is. Maybe it’s a constantly adjusted balancing act. If it is, fine. I’m just not used to it yet. I think it might always be a challenge to be 100% content with everything–family, friends, God, job, house, hobbies, etc. Just as I become mostly content, something gets thrown out of balance. I just wonder if the “something” is simply my overthinking.
I believe that what has set all this in motion today is that I just spent a weekend home with my family. The fact that I live far from them is still something I am having trouble reconciling. I have no win-win situation from my point of view. If I move near them, I give up some great job/school opportunities here, as well as friends and an entire social network. But by staying here, I am choosing to separate myself from having daily interactions with the people I love most (and who love me most) in the whole world. I don’t feel that I can even ask them to move closer to me for several reasons, but particularly because I don’t know if I’ll settle here or not. My prayer is that in the next 5 years or so, I will settle for (mostly) good. Here’s hoping.
And speaking of prayer, I feel strangely estranged from God. I don’t think my will to hear Him has ever been stronger, in that right now I am doing everything I can to engage with God as often as possible. Yet I am having trouble hearing Him. It might be my listening skills, I don’t know. But it has been a painfully long time since I’ve really felt Him move in my life. And I know that sometimes we go through periods like that, where we just trust He’s helping us along. But I’d really like to feel Him right about now.